If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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