Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
