i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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