I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Is it penis luge time yet?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
