She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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