She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
