think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
