I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
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