I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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