You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
