I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Randomize
