Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
