I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
