i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
