Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Randomize
