this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
