I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
