"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
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