If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
