I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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