I cannot find my penis.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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