good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
