my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
