Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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