and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
