o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
