hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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