my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
