he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
