I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
You can't just leave with hair like that
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize