And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Randomize
