we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
