quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
