I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
