Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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