this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize