she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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