Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize