This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Is this like a preordered booty call?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
