i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
