I'm so fucking centered right now
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Randomize
