some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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