i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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