There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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