I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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