my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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