I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
