shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
