i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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