I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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