Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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