Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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