i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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