You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
