I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
